One of those days..

There were nights when the wind blowing from my ceiling fan felt so cold. And my blue cotton blanket just did not manage to warm me up as it should. With my eyes closed, my body curled up in my blanket side ways struggling to keep me warm, hundreds of random thoughts keep going through my mind and I cant sleep. Yet again those cold lonely nights that i wished was just a phase but it seemed to last longer than i have expected.

Empthy threads of hope , thoughts of chances i've missed , people that i have neglected , feelings i have unintentionally hurt, the confusion and frustration hidden inside a fragile build, feeling so helpless makes me wonder what am I doing or am i heading towards the right direction......

all of a sudden i felt so weaken -emotionally and physically. I felt defeated.

I felt myself drunken by my emotional burden that I failed to cry out for help when I need it the most.

I keep telling myself over and over again that i am better than this.

But life has a mind of its own and most times it will not go our way. No matter how hard we try to mould and craft life, as it is will always take a twisted turn. Whatever you think will happen next, wont. If you think you can predict the future, you're wrong. If you think you've got it bad, be prepared for the worst. And that misunderstandings and feelings of betrayal do crawl into our life at one point of time and the critical moment of it all is how we handle ourselves in those circumstances given the choices we have and the constraints to consider.

But of all these choices I have to make, dilemmas and judgements I have to face , sometimes it makes me feel older than my age. I felt matured in a sense that I have seen the true facts of life that not many 23 year olds have the privilege to see. And in exchange of these privileges were many lonely, confused, troubled and painful hours. I'd wished I never have to experienced it, but if its no longer evitable, I hope to make the most out of it and learn never to make the same mistake again.

I wish to embrace happiness once again and the wisdom to look for it.

Of Hellboy and Jco Donuts

Its always good to hang out with close friends over the weekend , and just chill and have some relaxing fun time. Last Saturday was one of those days that makes me miss uni life even more than I already do. An early sms from Max was just a great way to start my morning.. tsk tsk.. when I did not replied his msg.. he was indeed quick enough to tell Kent that "hey.. this blardy girl might ffk us leh.. " Eh ppl.. common la.. would i do that? *innocent wide eye look*

Anyways, I had a great Saturday, and I wouldnt want to spend it any other way. : ) Kent , Max, Joo and I had well... a very nice lunch over at Manhattan Fish Market, the food was alright.. nothing much to shout about. except for the price.. but our chit chats on how each other's work is getting on, sharig some gossips here and there (yes, guys do gossip!) and practically catching up with each other's life that we have missed so far. Ahh.. bliss.

Next stop, we went and pick up Brian to join us for movie -Hellboy (which btw was goooood) over at Pavillion. Tried to call Hazel darling.. but she was occupied that day. : ( (when am i gonna see you girl?? )

Anyways, I had a really good weekend (yes, i do realise i mentioned it 3 times now, and im gonna mention it again. hehe ) . Im happy that we are all doing very well in our own respoective ways and .. its good to know that we are still the very crazy sarcastic bunch of ppl we were before. I do realise that we dont get to see each other often, but I am deeply touched by the fact that even after few months not meeting, we still feel that we've known each other for ages. : )

Heres some pics.. that i managed to sneakily take. well.. not the 1st of course..

While waiting for the driver and his konco-konco~

The Gardens. somebody has lost ALOT of weight....

But eh.. is that boobies I see there?? >.<"

Me likey this... I can stay in this shop 4eva.. Had they not drag me out.. ish.

Taken infront of Garden Signature. No.. we did not watch our movie there . Blardy RM20 just for a movie?? nah....... Altho a certain some1 was very inclined to.. teehehe..

After the movie at Pavilion, Joo thought of buying some donuts.. buT hell, not only him have that "thought".. so did many others... it was chaotic man.. hungry donut buyers are not to be messed with..hehe..

Future Jco Ambassador. No need pay. Donuts will do. : )

Ahh,.. dont it just makes you happy just by watching this? The funny thing is Joo initially intented to buy 6. But he ended up buying 12! What the We-line-up-so-long-buy-6-only-meh ?? -theory.>.<" Another funny thing is how the guys initially planned to eat those yummy donuts during their yumcha session after fetchin me home.. buthen.. we end up finishing most on our way back home and left only 2 donut survivors!! ehehe..

This is towards the end of the day. on our way to carpark. Due to a personal request by some tai ko who wants to have his picture taken from the back (what? u tink u r chow yun fatt ar?) so he can blog about it.. well.. here you go.. picture as requested. but the extra thing is.. i decided to post it online. : P hehehehehe...

We went out at 11am plus.. and wrap it up around 11 plus pm too. 11-11. phew. tiring man.

On another totally unrelated stuff.. I shall post a pic on how i look like on normal working days.. hehe just to make me happy. : P

Now i'm happy.. teehehe..

Goodnight ya'all. *Huggies*

One buck short

Ever woke up one morning asking yourself this question..
" wtf am I doing?"

Yes.. i have those mornings. In fact it span across not only on mornings, but afternoons and nights as well. Heck, miind as well just say the whole damn day.

Feelings are ridiculously over rated. Shytt i cant even spell ridiculus right if my life depends on it.

Sometimes I take pride in knowing i will always do the right thing, if not fully at least partially. But, lately.. I'm not doing that.

What defines right or wrong becomes so vague that I find myself crossing dangerous paths. Paths that are not meant to be taken at the first place.

Many times in life, when people cant find that one thing that they need in one place, and if they waited long enough and still find that they could not get it from that one place, people will subconsciously try to seek it from others.

Heck, im tired of ambiguity. Tired of living behind a shadow. A shadow that is not mine to begin with.

I've tried to make it work. I tried convincing myself that it is worth it. But everytime I try to get closer I feel your cold shoulders moving farther away from me. Why is it that everytime i want to stay you make me feel as if you dont care. But when ever I want to leave, you will make me want to stay? This is cruelty at its best. For nothing hurts more than a broken heart. Heart that was broken then mend then broken again. It gets weaker every single time which each passing by-pass. Its such a strain to be playing these games constantly. Is it too much to ask for a consistency? People find comfort in the familiar, pattern , routine. But i found none as it feels different every time. Please wake me up to my senses for this either has to continue or it has to stop.

Someone please tell me I'm right in thinking this way...

I have neglected my blog far too long....

And right now.. I dont know where to start..

I dont feel like back logging.. I dont wanna feel. Just move on.

Did you wake up this morningAnd wish this was all just a phase?
Like tomorrow will be better
Ever have those days?
Where you just can’t seem to bring yourself
To stand on your own two feet
To get up and face the world
When your life feels so incomplete?
When I search for some hope
I look up into the skies
But the world is a sweeping sadness
Through my depressed eyes
I study people passing by
They seem to look right through me
No, they take a glance
And ignore the unhappy
Maybe my eyeliner hides my bloodshot eyes?
Maybe my powder hides my tears’ trails?
I take such pride in hiding
And paying attention to little details
Are we all contained In a mask we call a smile?
We’re so used to concealing
That we’ve become so versatile
But still I try to assure myself
That there’s still hope yet
And God knows that in the future
I’ll need all the help I can get
But when I’m feeling down
I’ll sweep my fingertip across my necklace
And feel it’s engraving run through my mind
When a true smile floods my face
I wear my necklace everyday
And use it to guide me whenever I’m pushed and shoved
Because I always need a little reminder
It reads “I am loved”

A fun filled Nite- Good Music, Good Company : )

*burp*

ehem. excus-ey me.. just had a big dinner. me is happy. hehe

I had Monday blues today, well.. who doesn't. Came back to work today and shocked myself with the amount of work I had to follow up cuz yours truly was sick on Friday , thus.. did not turn up for work. Daylights Savings Time has started .. so work is from 7am to 3pm starting today. : )
That means more time in bed for me, and an additional hour to stay awake at night. hehe..

I went to our uni's Musical Nite last Saturday, and I must say, it was a good show. Kudos to the organizing team for a well put show. I enjoyed myself indeed. Going back to uni brings back many fond memories as I recall the time our Talent Nite team was busy going back and forth trying our very best to calculate and execute everything to perfection, hoping to close the margin of errors to a minumum. Ahhh... I miss those times. Those were good times.

I went back that nite, but the feeling was a tad bit different. Maybe because I'm no longer a student, I felt somehow detached. Like I dont belong there anymore. Haiz.. is this feelings normal? And I felt as if I'm older than my age, and that all the mui-muis and di-dis are my sisters and brothers.. come jeje buy you guys some sweet.. haha kidding .. kidding.. Any of you guys still studying and happens to read my blog.. It is all for fun sake. hehe..
But a portion of it is true tho, I felt somehow abit older than them. Abit jealous that they are here enjoying their uni years when mine has just passed. I wish to go back to those times.. but look forward we must.

The main reason of going to the Nite was to show our love and support to our very own Kent who will be ending his emcee-ing journey with this last event. And I could say, you ended it well.
You were at your natural best self and you pulled it through. Not trying too hard nor was it too bland. It was the just right mixture that I personally think you deserve a thumbs up for. Not to forget that you had a very good partner to compliment you. : )

The events day have passed and going back to uni somehow make me feel young again! Happy to see fresh young faces so eager , so enthusiastic, and so full of drive.
This is how it should be..

Life as it is.

Life is not always filled with roses. Life isnt always good. But.. it is worth living.

It is never truly understood until you have been through it. To understand it, people look backwards. Flashback of memories running through your mind. But to live it, there is only one way. Forward.

More often than not, people say that they are unhappy .. but reality is.. happiness is by choice.
Not given, but by choice.

Reality is what it is it is. Not quite a place to be, but there is no escape.


I have a friend. Who has not been at her best lately. But she just want people to know that after the initial depression feeling days... acceptance sunk in. That life, no matter how we try to close our grip of control towards it.. is futile. We may be a perfectionist, but once reality sinks in.. all the perfection and beautiful control.. it is just crap. Just live the life you deserve.

People say you only live once. But I say if you live it well enough, once is more than enough.

I painted a picture perfect painting with a well put frame. But my hand shook, and the brush fell off my hand. The perfect canvas is tainted. But, it is still a good picture. As, I can always pick up the brush and paint me another painting.

Life is never easy. No one says it is.

But what matters most is that at the end of the day, after all the crap that we have to put up with.. we remain still standing.

I never regret of the past. It painted one of the most beautiful days of my life. But like all things that are good, it comes to an end. Cherish and remember the memories. Do justice to all those good times that was well spent.. and move on...

Living somebody else's dream.

Why are we humans prone to pain?

For some reasons, pain comes by more often than pleasure. And the worse thing is, you never see it coming. It just hit right into your heart, suffocate you, intoxicate you and leave you broken. Broken of hope, broken of faith and it leaves you broken enough to make sure you will be in so much pain that it takes a million strength to recover.

But the thing about humans is.. we never learn. Never mind that people tell you it will hurt. Doesnt matter if you have been warned beforehand that it will indeed hurt. But you need to find our for yourself, how much it hurts.

Maybe we like to get hurt. Maybe we have to feel hurt. Feel the pain seeping into your bones that you feel its eating up your organs inside... that every single breathe you take it hurts you like a million needles poking to your veins. Maybe we are created this way. To make us feel real. To make us know that we arent immortals. That life is indeed short.

Sometimes we think that we are doing the right thing, but indeed we are not. We are fooling others just to fool ourselves. And that truely, we are just selfish enough to care only for ourselves and not others. That what we do affects not only ourselves but others. That it all happen like a chain of stories, each interwhine with another that one action you make causes a chain of reaction.

We think too much about what effect that we have on others that we never stop to think, what the hell do I really want instead. We spend our lives living within the boundaries. Boundaries that we drew or those that already exist before we even got there. Living in such constraint that sometimes you feel like letting everything go and live the life you want by crossing that boundary.

But, life is never that simple, for some boundaries are too dangerous to cross.

I never wanted to cause pain. For every pain that i caused, i get back so much more.
If it ever meant anything, I've tried my best. But I'm not doing too good here for i cant seem to find a balance between both sides. I need time to think. Time to convince myself that my choice is right. I dont want to end up chasing after something that is not even there.

I need time to think .