There were nights when the wind blowing from my ceiling fan felt so cold. And my blue cotton blanket just did not manage to warm me up as it should. With my eyes closed, my body curled up in my blanket side ways struggling to keep me warm, hundreds of random thoughts keep going through my mind and I cant sleep. Yet again those cold lonely nights that i wished was just a phase but it seemed to last longer than i have expected.
Empthy threads of hope , thoughts of chances i've missed , people that i have neglected , feelings i have unintentionally hurt, the confusion and frustration hidden inside a fragile build, feeling so helpless makes me wonder what am I doing or am i heading towards the right direction......
all of a sudden i felt so weaken -emotionally and physically. I felt defeated.
I felt myself drunken by my emotional burden that I failed to cry out for help when I need it the most.
I keep telling myself over and over again that i am better than this.
But life has a mind of its own and most times it will not go our way. No matter how hard we try to mould and craft life, as it is will always take a twisted turn. Whatever you think will happen next, wont. If you think you can predict the future, you're wrong. If you think you've got it bad, be prepared for the worst. And that misunderstandings and feelings of betrayal do crawl into our life at one point of time and the critical moment of it all is how we handle ourselves in those circumstances given the choices we have and the constraints to consider.
But of all these choices I have to make, dilemmas and judgements I have to face , sometimes it makes me feel older than my age. I felt matured in a sense that I have seen the true facts of life that not many 23 year olds have the privilege to see. And in exchange of these privileges were many lonely, confused, troubled and painful hours. I'd wished I never have to experienced it, but if its no longer evitable, I hope to make the most out of it and learn never to make the same mistake again.
I wish to embrace happiness once again and the wisdom to look for it.
